My fellow citizens, tax-paying units, and those of you currently watching this on a smuggled device in a windowless cubicle:
I stand before you today to finally be honest. Not because I’ve found religion—I actually sold my soul for a 3% bump in the polls back in ’14—but because my PR team tells me 'extreme transparency' is trending with Gen Z.
People ask me, 'Senator, how do you sleep at night?' It’s simple: I use Egyptian cotton sheets woven by a subsidiary of the very company I just gave a billion-dollar tax break to. It’s called synergy.
I know what you’re thinking. You’re upset about the 'Infrastructure Bill' that turned out to be just one gold-plated bridge leading directly to my brother-in-law’s jet-ski dealership. But look at the bright side: that bridge has excellent Wi-Fi, which you’ll need to apply for the three part-time jobs required to pay for the inflation I personally voted for.
And let’s address the elephant in the room—which, incidentally, is a literal elephant I had flown in from Botswana for my daughter’s birthday on a taxpayer-funded 'diplomatic mission.' Was it necessary? No. Was it majestic? Only until it stepped on the Speaker of the House.
You say I’m 'out of touch.' But I know your struggles. I too have felt the sting of rising prices. Last week, the vintage champagne I use to fill my fountain pens went up by fifty dollars a case. We are in this together!
In closing, remember: a vote for me is a vote for the status quo. And the status quo is great! For me. I promise to keep fighting for your right to believe my lies, while I continue to fight for my right to insider trade based on the laws I haven’t read yet.
God bless America, and more importantly, God bless the loophole
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